What Do You Want, S? The Question That Doesn't Leave....

What Do You Want, S?

A question that lingers in my mind,
“What do I want?”
and a voice that echoes back,
“What do you want, S?”

I lean towards him, seeking warmth,
unsure of what I need,
but in that moment, I breathe.

I wrap myself around the frame,
uncertain of what it gives,
yet that is where I find solace.

I clutch a thousand questions,
answers still unknown,
and yet, I cannot name what I want.

I know you fear to touch
what’s already broken,
but trust me...

it is you who heals the pain,
it is you I reach for before words,
it is you I speak to in silence,
it is you I once promised to,
and it will always be you
I will look into.

I still do not know the answer
to your “What do you want, S?”
But I do know this,
it is only you who can hold
the weight of my worry,
for now.

The Strength of Today: A Mother’s Promise.

                 Since the day I carried them in my womb, the instinct for their cuddles and their clinging grew stronger. As the days passed, the bond evolved from a mother to a friend. I fondly embraced the transition from being called “Mamma” to “Mom,” and at times even “Bruh." :)  Gbro and Vbro fit so perfectly into the warmth of my arms that, in the blink of an eye, they outgrew my lap.

From late-night worries and tears to late-night dinners and conversations, I feel fortunate to have given them the freedom to speak, to sit, and to simply breathe. I take pride in earning their trust and being their one-stop place for anything that mattered.

As time passed, they began to nurture the values once instilled in them. They found their own ways to steady themselves, yet I remained their quiet, constant place to return to. With every passing day, we grew closer and found comfort in each other.

It was in these moments that Vbro would sometimes cuddle and cling as if he was carrying worries he couldn’t put into words. Then you stepped in, helping me find the confidence to draw those worries out of him. With a voice so fragile and a touch so strong, he finally spoke:

“Missing him isn’t my choice, it’s my fate. He stood for Gbro, but now I don’t see him anywhere. He cheered for Gbro, but now the echo feels empty… Seeing you stand alone, is hard.”

I am thankful I did not wait for tomorrow to have this conversation as I always believe in the present. Future isn't something I can see, better live now, better communicate now, better breathe now... Tomorrow does not exist is all I know.

I comforted him and, in doing so, reassured myself: no matter what comes our way, I will stand for both of them for the both of us, as their dad and their mom.

I cannot erase the emptiness, but I promise to fill it with the pride and joy they deserve. Promises have always been the hardest for me to make, but this time, I made two. I know how scared I am, but I cannot let another hurdle pull me under.

I will stand by you, no matter what....be your cheerleader, as I always was for him and for you. Maybe a little more this time, and always beyond.

Every speck Speaks

Every speck I pick detours me into familiar frights.

I try my hardest to rezone my muscle and memories,
but it feels as if reverse is next to impossible.

I keep reminding myself “it is possible”.
Alas, the thought fades when another speck appears.
Each one reminds me of the ghastly corridors
I wish we had never stepped into,
robbing the world of its earlier charm.

I so deeply wish to cherish only the fond,
but still, another speck drowns me.
Overwhelmed, I am buried under the to-do lists,
burdened by aches and quiet burns.

I wish it were you guiding me through,
and I know you are, from somewhere I can’t see.
But how long I can travel this road, I do not know.

They tell me they’re only a call away,
but I cannot bear the thought
of someone else picking that speck for me.

So I will gather myself, breath by breath; each one arriving with pauses, unknown, uneven… “but I will”..

Jao Indravadan Jao :(

 Episode 63, SvsS-Season1

poori hui teri zindagi, chalna padega aaj

dharti se lejane tere praan, aaye hai swayam Yamraj :(

Hard to believe that the episode which once filled our family room with roars of laughter truly happened.
You’ll always be remembered for your impeccable comic timing, infectious humor, and that unmistakable touch of mischief.

From “Guzar Gaye Popat Kaka” to “Mare Aapke Dushman (Ghar Ke Bahar Wale)” there isn’t a single episode we haven’t watched and rewatched with laughter.

Now that both the Naradmunis are on a different planet, I hope you continue to spread joy and laughter wherever you are.

Keep the joy alive till we meet again 🙏

❤️Whisper of Care❤️

Wrapped in warmth, he held me softly;

firm enough to keep me close,
Yet gentle enough to let me go.

My heart sank with a silent tear,
A droplet that never fell, yet spoke of how deeply he cared.

It was no mere caress,
but care itself;

steady amid the thunder of a trembling heart.

Affection, quiet as dawn,
Soothing the storm within my sea.

The pearl upon my lashes
and the calm that followed;
Both born in the same breath,
as though the moment was written
to remind me of who I am.

His embrace was freedom’s touch❤️
A tender bond that set me free.
He brushed the strands from my face,
as though sweeping sorrow away,
& in a whisper said, “You deserve more.”  

You are the Sparkle of my Eyes!!

 

The Greed for Protection Knows No Bounds

 While I am still navigating through the tides, I often meet and interact with people who cheer me for every little step. They strengthen my confidence and make an effort to put a smile on my face. With them, I play that side of myself which the world wants to see. At times, there are filters, there could be mixed emotions, but never do I hesitate to gulp in my worries and portray a smile. Maybe that is how I would like to continue seeing myself. It doesn’t harm, but it does take some effort. Those instances come and go. It’s not that I disrespect them, but I don’t take them back home. I live those moments at that time for those people. They help!

And then, there are you all I count on, I rely on more than anything. I don’t stop myself from connecting and asking. Since you have seen the downside, you care and make every bit of your presence valuable. You let me share my worries and anchor me with direction. I owe you a lot in whatever way I can, since you stood like a pillar for this broken bone. You ensured I was heard and are still ensuring I am safe and in sanity. You matter!!

And now, coming to you… you have no idea how much I owe you. You have joined the puzzled, broken pieces of this heart into one. Do you know what that means? I may have spoken flawlessly and without shyness, but that is only because I felt safe, touched yet untouched, cared for, valued, and preserved with dignity. It doesn’t just happen. There could be impulsive moments where I have just barged into you, but you were there, and still are, helping me breathe and regain the smile I once thought I lost forever.

I may be unstoppable before you, but I find myself fortunate enough to have found someone I can just trust. I understand the intricacies of the situation, and it’s not that I haven’t given a thought to it, but yet, it is that space that provides the warmth of life. It is that moment that heals so much of myself. I know I entered the door as someone who didn’t know where she was thrown out to, and even now, I know I am still in the tunnel. But I am assured that I will be able to fight that light. I am waiting for it soon.

I wish I had never entered the door and caused any damage, but I also feel that it is concrete enough to hold still. You reminded me of the person I am and the sensitivity I carry. You reminded me of the fragility that my heart holds. You let me be me. What else can I ask for?

I may need or demand some more help, but if you may trust me, I ask for nothing more than your time. The unspoken words still remain, but I am grateful for the person you are and the care you provide. I may have harmed you enough to not let go, but if it wasn’t you, then I doubt if I would be me.

I shan’t regret this anytime, as I will always look back to you, even though I walk ahead.

Uninhibited!

 https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1ChjrQnYWu/?mibextid=wwXIfr

What a coincidence… These words echoed so closely to what you said when you last spoke to my mom. It felt as though, in that moment, through teary eyes, you were able to express your emotions more clearly than ever before… 

Blessed to have you both in my life! 

My heart still holds the hope that you'll someday hug me and say,

"Thanks for waiting"

I miss you my Love :(

The weight of your absence I try not to sink beneath it,

but without your embrace, I cry for something to pull me out.

Voices echo: “Your soul won’t find solace if I remain in pain.”

But how can I not miss the heart that once smiled

because of you, your presence, and your warmth?

I am trying not to whine,

I am trying not to break,

I am trying not to fall apart.

But, my love, tell me, if you may, how can I anchor myself

without your arms to even share my pain?

I know there are no answers to the whys that fog my mind.

Yet I am tired, and deep within I’m leaning on others to pull me through.

I know this is not the me I was....

but where is me when there is no we anymore?

I miss you my Love :( 

Tug-of-Emotion

The tug between what’s urgent now and what’s needed for the long road ahead drains the strength I try so hard to protect.

I reach for healthier ways to cope, to not weigh myself down, but still, I stumble. The path dims, and I lose my way.

When someone tells me, “You’re strong,” I pause. I rewind my memories, trying to see what they see. How am I strong when I can’t rebuild myself every time the restlessness returns? When I still lean on others to pull me through?

In silence, my thoughts swell dark, heavy, and frightening. And yet I must learn to live inside that loneliness. I ache for the warmth of those moments I once held close, but I know I must endure without them, maybe until the very end.

It feels like being cast into an ocean of darkness, unsure if any light exists beyond. Does it?

I shouted at mom to hear my fears, to guide me out; was that wrong? Maybe not. Maybe it’s time I stop leaning on shoulders and learn to stand on my own.

I’m grateful for those who care, but I can’t let my pain weigh them down.

So I smile, hiding the worry beneath. I laugh, I cry, but deep inside, I tremble at being judged. Living a lone life is not easy.

I fear the world. I hold myself back.
I know it hurts me more, but I’m not sure if  I have it in me anymore… 

You ought to be here!

Some bonds are not meant to be defined; only felt, only honored.

They exist quietly, just beyond words,
with boundaries so subtle they never confine,
yet hold a trust that never needs to be asked for.

They offer a space; soft and still,
where one can simply be.
To be heard without noise,
to be seen without needing light.

In the rise and fall of everyday tides,
they remain;
not to lead, not to follow,
but simply to walk beside.

There is strength in their silence,
and grace in their simplicity.
And through it all, the bond only deepens,
growing in the places where nothing is said,
but everything is known.

With all the quiet respect my heart can hold,
I thank you again and again(even if you ask me not to :) )
for being that presence in my life.

If I come often, speak freely,
or stay longer than the moment expects, 
know that it is only because I feel safe,
not because I ask for more.