Keeping it simple for you

The void remains, the ache lingers… yet what endures is the trust and support each of you gave us. Shared warmth. Borrowed courage. The difference you made is what helped us weather the storm and sail through. To every individual, family, small and large group, and community, you stood with us, bound together, helping us face the storm and move forward. This year reminded us how fragile every breath can be. As we step into the next year, and the years beyond, which I still hesitate to imagine, I hope they are gentler, more welcoming, and kinder to all. Hold your loved ones close, for as long and as often as you can. Happy New Year!

My sorrows, my sorries remain unchanged  The wish of holding you for long, the agony of letting you go remain unchanged.. I find myself lost again,  My words are simple, feelings ghastly dense…  I find myself lost again, even though I know I have to navigate. No words to convince, no questions to be answered.. I find myself lost again, with a million phrases unspoken. I only wish I still had the ability to express.. may be not in words but through the vision engaged. I understand their pain but only if they knew how tired my heart is, unable to pump enough to rebuild the world again. xoxo .. I do miss you now… 

Leaning against the wall, wrapped in your warmth, chaos softens into calm! “I wish the timer would never ring.” There was a strange feeling, quietly shadowing the pleasure… not a need, not longing for more, just the wish to rest, to breathe fully inside that moment. It’s affection I crave, the kind that lingers and stays, the kind I know I’ll carry with me, always. It isn’t that I’ve ignored your advice:  I remember every word, holding them carefully, trying in silence, step by step. I wouldn’t let you down, yet the thought of facing the world again still sends a shiver through me. With you, I find the solace that helps me keep walking forward. So, keeping my words true, I only wish to remain your silly, little, greedy girl :)  wanting nothing more than your care, and the comfort of your gentle presence….of course the greed of your caressing remains 🤗 XOXO(♾️) silly boy, wish you were a little more greedier than me 🤗❤️

The journey between falling in love at first sight and dying inside from an unbearable fright has carried me through uncountable shades of emotion, gestures of tenderness, sparks of enviousness, whispers of possessiveness, waves of affection, care, concern, compromises, and above all… a reason to fall in love for  and with you,  again and again. Every day I reassure myself that even though the path is no longer the same, I will not give up. Not because I am strong, but because I never learned how to walk away from you. Instead, I remind myself that each day is a lesson, and every moment is a new chapter in a book with unknown number of pages, pages you can only breathe through. My mind keeps directing me back to the places where we once held hands and walked those few precious steps together. Yet my heart drifts elsewhere .. towards preparing your favourite meal, planning that candle-lit dinner, wrapping the gifts we chose with such playful anticipation. Shhhhh… that’s still o...

May I  have a moment to rest my head on your lap, to  let the storm inside me slowly settle.. A moment to simply breathe:  while your hands soothe the tension in my shoulders once more.. Let me smile through the tears… tears that fall only so I can pause, gather myself, and rise again. My body curls in on itself from a pain I can’t name; I am tired in ways words can’t hold. I know life must be taken as it comes, but still…. may I have this moment to regain my balance, to find my way back into my own skin? It feels as though my very flesh has loosened its grip on my bones and I wonder if I will ever feel like myself again. I get upset over the smallest things, but deep down I know, in those moments I am not me. I want to laugh with you, to cheer for you, to be the person you know, but first, let me rest my head on your lap until I can rebuild myself once more.

  My heart bleeds again…   God has his way of doing things and may be that’s why He took Ji earlier :( little girl Isha, you stepped into my life with innocence in your heart and curiosity shining in your eyes. We laughed, we cheered, we ate together—I fed you, and we chose to chill out as buddies, or “Bruhs,” as you all started calling. That was the beginning of our bond. Dance became our language—our way of connecting, of building trust m, comfort and care. I am forever grateful to the Almighty that you chose me to be your Odissi guide. No matter what, how bad the situation be, you always showed up. For years I dressed you in your Odissi attire, but the other day, when I dressed you and combed your hair, it felt so painfully different, my child. My heart bled again. We witnessed your growth—how beautifully you blossomed in your dancing, how confidently you performed your solo before a great audience. I will always cherish those simple, precious moments: you counting the cand...

Bitterness may wash through the soul like rain, but life, at its core, longs to taste the sweet again. Your presence, no matter,  has been a lantern on my weary path. In the hours when shadows ruled, you stood like a shoreline, steady enough to gather me back from the storm. This voyage tests every bone, every breathe, yet the shedding of fear is its own quiet miracle. You opened the chambers where my heart: could break, could breathe, could begin. And so the moment arrives: a threshold, a reckoning - now or never! The breakthrough was not an escape, but an awakening. Grace and understanding wrapped around me like a veil of protection. I know there is more to tend within, but courage has rooted itself in me, and I am ready to walk forward. For it is “the space”, you offered at the right time, held in the right silence,  where I return to myself, and shape the beginning of my being! 

I don’t know if words can fully express the whirlwind of emotions I’ve been carrying, but I’ll do my earnest best to try.... As a wife, I still find myself wondering whether I did enough, whether there was something more I could have done. In my heart, I know we faced our battles side by side, believing we would make it through together. I never imagined the storm that would follow, or how unprepared I would feel for its cruelty. Life has its bitterness, I always knew that, but I never expected to taste it so early, nor so deeply. As a mother, I know I have to keep standing and fighting, not for recognition, but for the two young souls who look to me even for the smallest bit of strength. They try to hide their emotions so I won’t crumble, not realizing that their honesty, their willingness to share what they feel, is what actually keeps me going. No mother ever imagines her children facing such an immense, irreversible loss at such a tender age. Yet here they are, learning life’s hard...

 It’s only those moments that I can remember and try to relive… stay well my love… https://youtu.be/RE7YXCFUupE?si=KQ1Fjj3FDjPzjvh4 There cannot be another version of  You, Us or These togethernesses …. https://youtu.be/_1kndJfQXuY?si=QwrnNntTtdZbH_qc https://youtu.be/MRpQeHbTKeo?feature=shared

What Do You Want, S? A question that lingers in my mind, “What do I want?” and a voice that echoes back, “What do you want, S?” I lean towards him, seeking warmth, unsure of what I need, but in that moment, I breathe. I wrap myself around the frame, uncertain of what it gives, yet that is where I find solace. I clutch a thousand questions, answers still unknown, and yet, I cannot name what I want. I know you fear to touch what’s already broken, but trust me... it is you who heals the pain, it is you I reach for before words, it is you I speak to in silence, it is you I once promised to, and it will always be you I will look into. I still do not know the answer to your “What do you want, S?” But I do know this, it is only you who can hold the weight of my worry, for now.

                 Since the day I carried them in my womb, the instinct for their cuddles and their clinging grew stronger. As the days passed, the bond evolved from a mother to a friend. I fondly embraced the transition from being called “Mamma” to “Mom,” and at times even “Bruh." :)  Gbro and Vbro fit so perfectly into the warmth of my arms that, in the blink of an eye, they outgrew my lap. From late-night worries and tears to late-night dinners and conversations, I feel fortunate to have given them the freedom to speak, to sit, and to simply breathe. I take pride in earning their trust and being their one-stop place for anything that mattered. As time passed, they began to nurture the values once instilled in them. They found their own ways to steady themselves, yet I remained their quiet, constant place to return to. With every passing day, we grew closer and found comfort in each other. It was in these moments that Vbro would some...

Every speck I pick detours me into familiar frights. I try my hardest to rezone my muscle and memories, but it feels as if reverse is next to impossible. I keep reminding myself “it  is  possible”. Alas, the thought fades when another speck appears. Each one reminds me of the ghastly corridors I wish we had never stepped into, robbing the world of its earlier charm. I so deeply wish to cherish only the fond, but still, another speck drowns me. Overwhelmed, I am buried under the to-do lists, burdened by aches and quiet burns. I wish it were you guiding me through, and I know you are, from somewhere I can’t see. But how long I can travel this road, I do not know. They tell me they’re only a call away, but I cannot bear the thought of someone else picking that speck for me. So I will gather myself, breath by breath; each one arriving with pauses, unknown, uneven… “but I will”..

 Episode 63, SvsS-Season1 poori hui teri zindagi, chalna padega aaj dharti se lejane tere praan, aaye hai swayam Yamraj :( Hard to believe that the episode which once filled our family room with roars of laughter truly happened. You’ll always be remembered for your impeccable comic timing, infectious humor, and that unmistakable touch of mischief. From  “Guzar Gaye Popat Kaka” to  “Mare Aapke Dushman (Ghar Ke Bahar Wale)”  there isn’t a single episode we haven’t watched and rewatched with laughter. Now that both the Naradmunis  are on a different planet, I hope you continue to spread joy and laughter wherever you are. Keep the joy alive till we meet again 🙏

Wrapped in warmth, he held me softly; firm enough to keep me close, Yet gentle enough to let me go. My heart sank with a silent tear, A droplet that never fell, yet spoke of how deeply he cared. It was no mere caress, but care itself; steady amid the thunder of a trembling heart. Affection, quiet as dawn, Soothing the storm within my sea. The pearl upon my lashes and the calm that followed; Both born in the same breath, as though the moment was written to remind me of who I am. His embrace was freedom’s touch❤️ A tender bond that set me free. He brushed the strands from my face, as though sweeping sorrow away, & in a whisper said,  “You deserve more. ”  

 

  While I am still navigating through the tides, I often meet and interact with people who cheer me for every little step. They strengthen my confidence and make an effort to put a smile on my face. With them, I play that side of myself which the world wants to see. At times, there are filters, there could be mixed emotions, but never do I hesitate to gulp in my worries and portray a smile. Maybe that is how I would like to continue seeing myself. It doesn’t harm, but it does take some effort. Those instances come and go. It’s not that I disrespect them, but I don’t take them back home. I live those moments at that time for those people. They help! And then, there are  you all  I count on, I rely on more than anything. I don’t stop myself from connecting and asking. Since you have seen the downside, you care and make every bit of your presence valuable. You let me share my worries and anchor me with direction. I owe you a lot in whatever way I can, since you stood like a ...

  https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1ChjrQnYWu/?mibextid=wwXIfr What a coincidence… These words echoed so closely to what you said when you last spoke to my mom. It felt as though, in that moment, through teary eyes, you were able to express your emotions more clearly than ever before…  Blessed to have you both in my life!  My heart still holds the hope that you'll someday hug me and say, "Thanks for waiting"

The weight of your absence I try not to sink beneath it, but without your embrace, I cry for something to pull me out. Voices echo: “Your soul won’t find solace if I remain in pain.” But how can I not miss the heart that once smiled because of you, your presence, and your warmth? I am trying not to whine, I am trying not to break, I am trying not to fall apart. But, my love, tell me, if you may, how can I anchor myself without your arms to even share my pain? I know there are no answers to the whys  that fog my mind. Yet I am tired, and deep within I’m leaning on others to pull me through. I know this is not the me I was.... but where is me  when there is no we anymore? I miss you my Love :( 

The tug between what’s urgent now and what’s needed for the long road ahead drains the strength I try so hard to protect. I reach for healthier ways to cope, to not weigh myself down, but still, I stumble. The path dims, and I lose my way. When someone tells me, “You’re strong,” I pause. I rewind my memories, trying to see what they see. How am I strong when I can’t rebuild myself every time the restlessness returns? When I still lean on others to pull me through? In silence, my thoughts swell dark, heavy, and frightening. And yet I must learn to live inside that loneliness. I ache for the warmth of those moments I once held close, but I know I must endure without them, maybe until the very end. It feels like being cast into an ocean of darkness, unsure if any light exists beyond. Does it? I shouted at mom to hear my fears, to guide me out; was that wrong? Maybe not. Maybe it’s time I stop leaning on shoulders and learn to stand on my own. I’m grateful for those who care, but I can’t l...

Some bonds are not meant to be defined; only felt, only honored. They exist quietly, just beyond words, with boundaries so subtle they never confine, yet hold a trust that never needs to be asked for. They offer a space; soft and still, where one can simply be. To be heard without noise, to be seen without needing light. In the rise and fall of everyday tides, they remain; not to lead, not to follow, but simply to walk beside. There is strength in their silence, and grace in their simplicity. And through it all, the bond only deepens, growing in the places where nothing is said, but everything is known. With all the quiet respect my heart can hold, I thank you again and again(even if you ask me not to :) ) for being that presence in my life. If I come often, speak freely, or stay longer than the moment expects,  know that it is only because I feel safe, not because I ask for more. 

 T wasn't the right time… Just when I'd begun to gather the pieces of myself, To breathe without flinching, To believe again.... This storm came, uninvited. I was ready to brave the odds, Maybe not all, but enough… But this breaks the surface beneath my feet. It pulls me under when I had just begun to swim. I am not weak. But even the strong, sink sometimes  :(

It’s 13:31, and I should be fast asleep, but instead, I find myself wide awake, with a pen in hand, thoughts flowing freely.  It's odd but something definitely feels different today.  The worries are still there, unchanged, sitting where I left them. But the past 48 hours brought a kind of strength I hadn't felt in a long time; subtle, may even be fragile, but very real. Or may be it was always there and I overshadowed (well, that's not my version but this is what I retained in these 48 hours).  I still see the hurdles ahead. The route remains uncertain, but something about sharing my fears, voicing my worries, brought a flicker of light into the tunnel I’ve dreaded walking alone. You probably don’t realize how much your presence, your voice, matters to me but I need to say it: even a moment of connection, even the smallest drop of relief from the weight I carry, travels with me a long way. I've laid bare my fears, my doubts, the things that hold me back. And still, you...

 Nana Bou, Teachers day may have passed but your teachings remain forever. This is from Us to You 🙇‍♀️ However rough the ocean may be, you have taught us to sail through: with or without a kayak,
 with or without a keel,
 with or without a compass to steer. Life has hurled us into storms
that many would never dare to face, yet your patience and perseverance have guided us to stand fearless: with or without a clue,
 with or without a plan,
 with or without a map in hand. And from this day forward we promise to rise,
to never again shrink from the fight: with or without a shield,
 with or without a sword,
 with or without a flame to light our way. Your SSN :)

In the Void... Ji, I’m starting a new chapter today... A chapter shaped by responsibility, a chapter that speaks only in silence. Your voice echoes in the void, wishing me luck and yet, somewhere deep inside, it tares me to piece. I know I shouldn't worry, because you are always with me. But in the silence I struggle, a silence I’m not ready for. In your warmth, I’ve faced the world. Now, I will rise and stand against all odds. No matter where life takes me, I promise I won’t let you down. So... wish me luck not because I ask for it, but because I know it’s always there..... guiding me, as I walk a path with no map. I miss you so much baba... Stay well my love :x

Unaware of the Where.... . I may have accepted the truth, Yet how real it feels, I cannot say. The facts remain, but I can’t find my place in them; Their weight is vague, Their echo unbearable. I’m moving forward, or so I claim..... But the ground beneath me still wavers. I know you're there... Where, I do not know. Life was once painted in color, And perhaps we still try to add more. But every tie-dye we once made together Now ceases to fade.. As if time, too, refuses to let go. I reach deep within to release the sorrow, Yet I cling to the breath that steadies me. The breath you once shared, The warmth that lived in your embrace.. Now lives only in the threads you left behind. And still, a sudden chill steals even that away. Cast away... to cast a way. Nurture my steps from wherever you are. I try to move, truly I do... But something holds me still. Stay with me, forever, my love. I know you're there, Only... unaware of the where.💔

speaking to a presence that no longer reassures ....  an unsteady pillar that once held me strong.   It’s been a month… A month of fighting, of being irritable and restless — but only to be met with silence. It’s been a month of talking, sharing, and breaking down — but only into empty space, no arms to hold the heaviness. It’s been a month of smiling, laughing, pretending — but only in front of an unsteady pillar that no longer leans back. The clock keeps ticking, alarms ring, reminders buzz — but there’s no one to be picked up, no one to return. Even the warmth I find in these fragile comforts, feels unfamiliar, even frightening — because fear now hides in everything and nothing. Still, I promise to rise, to gather the strength you once believed I had. I will try to be strong for the kids, for our life. But I need to ask…   You said you'd come back for our kids — can you assure me that your hands are still guiding them, blessing them, protecting them? You don’...

In sterile halls where silence weeps, A body bruised, the soul it keeps, Pain wraps tight, a ruthless chain, A whispered hope amidst the strain. The beeping sounds, the nights so long, The weight of fear where we belong, Yet in the dark, a steady light, A hand that pulls us through the night. Family & Friends stand close with love so deep, Their voices soft, the tears they keep, Like pillars strong, they hold us near, A quiet strength to calm our fear. Nurses, Bosses , angels in disguise, With gentle hands and knowing eyes, Their care, a balm for wounds unseen, A healing touch, so kind, serene. In moments bleak, when all feels lost, They walk besides us, at no cost, In every breath, in every tear, Their love, a force that draws us near. So through the pain, we’ll rise once more, With those who held is, hearts restore, In every trial, we now can see, How love and care sets us free.