It is your birthday, or perhaps a birthday that now exists only on personal timelines, because we always celebrated it together. This time, there is no togetherness, and there is no birthday I find myself looking forward to anymore.
I don’t know how I will gather the strength when the emptiness hits its hardest. The ache of loneliness, its length unknown; cuts straight to my core. That longing to stay awake until midnight, just to catch a glimpse of your smile, even through pain, simply so I could feel happiness again… it overwhelms me. The tears fall and pull me under once more.
I know you are with me; I saw you last night. You were walking down the aisle; it was vivid, almost real. I felt your presence. In the crowd, you looked at me and then walked away. The wrench inside me deepened, yet I consoled myself, once again learning how to walk alone, still wishing for just a little more time with you.
Today is your special day, and I never intend to hurt you in any way. But my love, the 51st and the 45th birthdays we once dreamed of together will never be the same anymore.
I vowed to take care of you in every way I could, yet today I wish I could do so much more. I miss you deeply, my love. Stay well and live a healthy life wherever you may go, for you will always live in my heart and I promise, even then, I will continue to take care of you.
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